Journal #1-DFW
- If David Foster Wallace was able to join our classroom discussion, I would have a few questions to ask him about Consider the Lobster. The first question would be about the Maine Lobster Festival. What made him want to write about the Maine Lobster Festival? This was not a topic he briefly discussed, it was his main subject for multiple pages and was continuously mentioned throughout the piece. It was also unclear if he went to the festival to see if his research was correct or if he went and then felt compelled to write about what was occuring to the lobsters. Another question is also about the festival. Why does he think so many people go, even if the lobster portrays the feeling of pain? It is hard to imagine that so many people would go to witness the lobsters being cooked in an environment that is crowded in very hot weather. Is it just for the festival feeling? One question arose during the reading specifically about lobsters. What caused the appeal change of lobster? As the passage stated, lobster was not seen as a delicacy like it is seen today. How did lobster, which was compared to eating rats at one point, change to become a food that is expensive and enjoyed by many? Even when it became just a cheap food, not for enjoyment, there is no explanation to why it changed over time. I think this would be interesting to know.
- When having a written discussion, there can be limits to the conversion. A downfall of having a written discussion is that only one person can explain the topic. Other people cannot give their inputs, which allows for a more meaningful conversion to take place. The audience also can’t give a rebuttal for the argument, which allows for other ideas about the argument to be presented. One way that writers can anticipate questions is by thinking about the topic they are discussing and how others may disagree with the topic.
Journal #2-Drafting Process
My senior year high school experience was full of drafting and revising essays, especially in my English class. I took a composition class which resulted in many essays being written. We were required to write a draft, do personal revisions, peer edit, edit the paper and then write a final draft. For my revision process, I would start by looking for organizational issues. If I jump around from topic to topic in the essay I will go back and group together similar topics. My biggest issue while writing is organization. On my first draft I tend to write from my thoughts which results in a very unorganized essay. The revision process is where I organize my thoughts more. I also try to find spelling or grammar issues. I found that reading the paper out loud was very helpful for me. Having to read the paper is where issues such as repetition as well as the peer review helps me find issues that I did not see during my personal revision. This is where errors such as long sentences, incorrect punctuation and word choice arise. After the peer edit, I go back and fix the errors they stated. I will go back to make sentences less wordy, fix punctuation errors, and look up new words for words that I used too much, or find a word that fits the sentence better. Before submitting the final draft, I reread the essay to make sure an error was not missed. If I felt unsure about it, I would have another person read it and get their input. At this point, I would submit the paper. Overall, this process worked well for me. My papers progressively got better throughout the year. I also saw myself get better at my personal edits. Overtime, my peer editor did not have to edit as much because I was able to fix the paper mostly on my own. When I would use this process, I did not do as well. If I just wrote one draft, have a peer edit it, and then fix my paper based on just those errors, my grade would not be not as good as I knew it could be.
Journal #3-Quotes
In They Say/ I Say, I found the chapter on quotations very interesting. The text explains that quotations can be crucial for strengthening an argument. The issue with quotes is the explanation. Some tend to be too short while others may over explain a quote. The quotes themselves also need to be relevant while the explanation needs background, and then an explanation of what it means and how it supports the point you want to prove. For me, I found the orphan example to be useful, as well as humorous. I would never of embedding quotes and orphans as a similar topic, but it helped me further my understanding of how to add quotes into text.
The authors also included two templates for quotes. One is on how to add a quote while the other is on how to explain the quote. These templates are will be very useful to me for my future writing. For me personally, I tend to get repetitive when introducing quotes into a text. I add the quotes correctly but I use the same few ways to embed them. The most common phrases I use are “he/she states that” or “he/she said” when adding quotes. After two or three times, readers want to introduce a quote in a new way. When explaining quotes, I typically say, “this means that” or “the author is stating” and at times, “this supports/goes against my argument because”. While these methods work, having a new way to explain a quote can make the reader interested and more engaged in the writing. I was nervous when we had to incorporate quotes into the favorite meal piece due to my repetitive tendencies with quotes. However, this template offers me new options that I know will work and are correct. I will definitely look back to this chapter throughout my entire college experience.
Journal #4-Soylent quotes
In my essay, the first quote I would use would be “Solent has been…evening sipping sludge” (3). I think this quote would allow me to talk about how much humans really enjoy our time eating food and how it appears to be a comfort. This would relate to my favorite food because I discuss how eating it would be a comfort to me on hard days. The quote supports my idea by saying life without food, such as pizza or tacos, would take away some happiness from life. I feel like this could provide additional details to my argument which would allow the reader to understand my belief on food.
Another quote I think would help is, “Rhinehart said that…is the opposite” (8). This quote states the he wants to show not all food follows the typical standard of good food. However, I think most people enjoy food that tends to be “natural, fresh, organic, bright”(8). These are what people look for when they go grocery shopping because they represent good quality. I think it could be interesting to show this view as a counter argument in my essay and that it goes against what most people want to see in their food.
The last quote that I would like to use is, “‘It’s a little…than just surviving’” (9). The quote is another view on Rhinehart’s drink. Walter Willett, chair of the nutrition department at Harvard, states that he does not believe in the drink. He thinks that certain aspects of food do not come in a pill or powder. These are foods that should be eaten because they can provide valuable substances for the body. They are not needed for life, but should be ingested. This would help my argument for the favorite meal essay because it shows that food is not needed just to live, it has other benefits.
Journal #5- Entering the Conversation, They Say I Say
In the chapter “Entering the Conversation”, many points were given that can help my in my personal writing. One idea that I never thought of was that writing over time becomes easy. Writing has always been a weak point for me as a student. However, with the last few years of high school, writing has gotten significantly easier. This is most likely because I have writing more and learning new ways to help my writing. Templates, another point the book made, has helped me a lot when writing papers. I liked how this book gives multiple templates for the same idea that way the writing does not get repetitive. In previous classes the teacher gave one template to use. Another point on templates is that they can allow for deeper thinking. They are simple and straight to the pointview on the topic. However, in order to fully develop the ideas, more thought needs to be provided, which allows for the writer to give more details into why the believe a certain idea or why they disagree with a certain idea.
Another point that I think can help my writing is explaining the, “they say” argument. By explaining their argument, it typically sounds like I am just repeating what the quote states. The book highlights that their argument is important because it shows that others agree on the point you’re trying to make, or that others don’t agree with the point you want to convey. Normally, I give the quote, explain it in my own words, and then state my idea. After reading this chapter I think that I should work on explaining how the quote relates to my argument instead of just restating what the author was trying to say. By doing this, it will strengthen the point I want to demonstrate. This can be crucial to making my argument a well written or adequate written.
Journal #6-Peer Reviews
Journal #7- Questions About Peer Review
- The best global comments/suggestion I received from my peers were in the introduction. My introduction was slightly out of order (the end should have been the middle and vise versa). When I moved them, it flowed much better than if I left it the original way I wrote it. Another comment that really helped my essay was about block quotes. I had a quote that should have been in the block quote format but I didn’t put it in one.
- The best global comment that I made was about grammar issues. The main problem I saw throughout the essays I read was that the punctuation wasn’t perfect, meaning a missing comma or run on sentences.
- Most of the conversation we had was during our conversation. We would talk about a point brought up on a paper, then talk about it more to show why it wasn’t right or how it could be changed. In Angel’s essay, for example, she asked a lot of questions in the essay. We all really liked that technique, but she ended the essay with a question. While I commented on it, we were all able to talk about it we thought it was a good idea. This brought up some points that I didn’t think about before.
- A point that I wish came up would have been about my paragraph structures. I feel like I was the only person who had three large body paragraphs instead of a bunch of smaller paragraphs. I asked my peers and they said it was fine, but I wish I was able to find a way to make smaller sentences.
- The peer review I had in high school was very similar to the one we had, except there was less talking. It was more a written response than a conversation.
Journal #8- They Say/ I Say Pages 19-29
I found that “Starting With What Others Say” was very interesting and presented ideas that I never considered to do in my writing. The main idea given was to state the opposing claims before stating your claim. I thought that I should give my ideas, then give the opposition’s idea after. This way, my claim was presented first and then I compared it to the other ideas. However, it makes sense to present these ideas first. In doing so, I am giving background information on the topic. This should be done before I present my claim.
Another idea that I don’t do enough of in my essays in is to keep showing the opposing claims throughout the essay. I feel like this might cause some confusion because the idea is seen multiple times. However, the book made a good point. Sometimes ideas that are presented in the introduction are forgotten by the audience. To keep the idea with the audience, it makes sense to bring other’s ideas in other paragraphs as well as my own ideas.
As always, I think the templates are very useful. For me, presenting other’s ideas when they are not your mine can be difficult. I don’t know how to introduce the idea without randomly jumping to their idea, then back to mine. The templates give ideas that seem like they can show the other’s ideas while staying on track with my personal ideas. I really liked how there were different types of templates depending on how you want to introduce what “they say” in the essay. You could do “standard views” or make “what they say something you say” or even “introduce something implied”. By having many ways to show these ideas, it also allows for the writer to be able to continuously show these ideas without being repetitive in the ways they do it. I tend to be very repetitive in my writing, so having multiple ways to display an idea is very useful to me as a writer.
Journal #9-Discussion Job
Active contributor
Journal #10
- Throughout the essay, I really liked how pictures were incorporated into it. I think that the pictures make the story more personal which can enhance the reader’s experience with it. When explaining a picture, some details might be forgotten. Therefore, adding a picture can help the reader comprehend what it is going on.
- I thought the watermelon boat was interesting. My dad used to do a butter lamb, where he would crave a stick of butter to look like a lamb. My brother and I have taken over these last few years now. However, seeing the boat is really interesting because I know that my family is not the only one who does weird, abstract ideas with our food.
- The photos work really well with the text. They show how they remember their favorite memory of the food in a way that demonstrates what the memory means to them. I think that they provide the reader with a more intimate relationship with the text as well. It provides insight directly into what was going on. Without pictures, the description only allows the reader to picture some details. With a picture, you are able to see much more of the experience in a way words cannot do.
- One of the pieces that I would like to learn more about would be the pumpkin pudding experience. I don’t understand why, even after realizing that it tasted really good, the author still refused to have the pudding. Not wanting to try the food is one action that we have experienced in our lives. However, when her mom left she had it and enjoyed the pudding. I don’t understand why the author wouldn’t admit this to her mom. Also, if the author enjoyed it, why didn’t she tell her mom after a year or so. I would have told my mom if I liked the food, even if I was reluctant to try it at first.
Journal #11-Memories of Past Meals Quotes
Passage 1
“How amazing is…eagerly to become” (page 3, paragraph 4).
I agree with the passage above. It demonstrates change throughout the time of cooking shows. When these shows first came out it was informational, now TV has endless cooking shows. They vary from vaguely informational to intense competition. I think that Pollan is showing that he doesn’t think that this is a bad thing either. Yes, he has memories of Julia Child and her impact on his life but it is “amazing” that almost everyone knows of at least one show on Food Network. It is widely known across the United States, and has many people who are willing to participate in the competitive shows. Pollan shows that, although it is different from his childhood, he is able to understand that this new way of entertainment is intriguing for people. Change is important in society and should occur. However, the way shows have changed might not be his preference.
Passage 2
“No, for time…watching the N.B.A.?’” (Pages 9-10, paragraph 4).
I agree with Pollan with this point. The point he is trying to make for the New York Times audience is that the context of cooking shows have drastically changed since the time of the Julia Child. Cooking show used to be about learning to cook. They showed a person ways to cook food that the average person would be able to prepare. These recipes took time and effort to cook. These are not the shows that we watch today. Today our cooking shows demonstrate shortcuts on how to make food taste good with minimal effort rather than great with a decent effort. Today we have the chef telling us not to true this at home rather than Child encouraging to try a skill at home. This shows one of Pollan’s points which is that Americans are getting increasingly lazy, even when it comes to food.
Passage 3
“Not going to…the drive-through supermarket” (Page 20, paragraph 3)
This is a quote that Harry Balzer said to Pollan when they talked. He states that people are not going to want to cook like we used to do in the Julia Child time era. He thinks that humans have lost the drive and skills to make the dishes that are simple.I think Pollan included this because it shows a common idea that people may have about why we are not cooking as much. To an extent this is true. Humans are constantly looking for the easiest way to cook food, which is why we go out to eat so much. It requires no effort. However, I don’t think that all hope is lost for home cooked meals. I personally know many families that still have sit down meals at least once a week, including my family. While is is becoming less common, I think that people will still be cooking in the future generations.
Journal #12- They Say/I Say Chapter Fourteen
After reading chapter fourteen, “What’s Motivating this Writer?” I was able to find more ways to analyze a text. This is important for me to be able to do as a college student because I need to be able to understand what the author is trying to say. One of the first ideas presented is to ask, “What other argument(s) is the writer responding to?” I think that it is important to ask this as well. When thinking about this question, it gives more depth about why the author is writing and what the thesis might be. There also tends to be more to discuss around this question. By understanding the context of what is happening when the text was being written about the topic it becomes easier to analyze. It also allows for more information to arise. Trying to find the “big idea” of a text is also difficult for me to find at times. This method can assist me when looking for the big idea that author is looking for.
I also like the ideas about how to find out what the point of view of the author. The uses of “but” and “though” are very helpful indicators that the ideas are switching. When they are used, it can be helpful to the reader. However, there are times when these are not used, which can make it harder to find what the author wants to portray. The idea to use context clues, look up words that you do not know, and rewrite the passage in your own words are very helpful concepts. As someone who tends to struggle when looking for the author’s main idea, these hints are very helpful for me.
I also think that using these strategies while writing can be beneficial. They can show an opposing idea and my idea. We learned that having an opposing view in your essay is important. This chapter gave me a way to introduce these ideas while also presenting my own ideas.
Journal #13
In the revision process we had during class, I spent most of my time redoing my introduction paragraph. The original paragraph was a little longer than a page which felt too long. I decided to split the paragraph into two separate paragraphs. However, I did not want to just find a spot to separate them and hope for the best. I found a sentence that felt disconnected from the rest of the paragraph and then realized that the following sentences also had this disconnect. So I broke the second part off. After, I added my thesis to the last two sentences of the first introduction. I also made minor changes to the paragraph. The second introduction is where I did most of the revisions. Here, I had to add more information on what the favorite meal essay was for the reader to understand what I would be talking about later in the essay.
The second issue that I came across in my essay was the lack of analysis on the quotes. I did not explain why they were included or why they supported my argument. I went through my quotes and tried to explain them in a little more detail. This way, the reader is able to see the connection between my quotes. Prior to this, it sounded like two quotes thrown into a paragraph. Both were explained, but the link between them was not present. While this took a little more thought than just analysis of a quote. It required more of me sitting and thinking compared to writing. I also found that my explanation of Julia Child needed to be linked to the main idea as well. I just put her name in the text with no real background on why Pollan mentioned her in his article.
While I was able to make a lot of revisions, I still need to add more to the essay. However, I believe that in the time allotted, I was able to get a good self review in my essay. I should be on track for the final draft coming up next week.
Journal #14
I found this podcast very interesting. One of the ideas that Doughty said was not everyone can handle the job of being a mortician, which I agree with. I think that it is a very hard job to see dead bodies everyday and I don’t think a lot of people can handle it. However, one of the first ideas she said was that families should be there when they cremate the body. However, many people would really struggles sending their families into a flame. Another point that was interesting was the idea of having no casket, or not embalming the person. Also, the idea to have the families take care body before it is buried. I think that the absence of the casket or embalming is not a big deal. However, having the body in the house would be really strange. I personally would not want to have them in the house simply because it would make me uncomfortable. To have someone who I cared about being dead in my house would make me sad. Also, if children live in the house, I think they would be impacted by seeing someone that they knew dead.
Something the podcast brought up, and something I was wondering before I heard this would be the price of funerals. I never understood why they were so expensive. When a family is mourning, the last thing they want is a bill. Another idea I curious was the idea that embalming was so invasive. I thought all the embalmers did was keep the body looking as much like they did prior to death. I was unaware it consisted of taking blood out of their body and adding chemicals. I was shocked when I heard this. My idea was that they made sure you looked nice by putting makeup on. I am also fascinated by the hot water idea. As someone who loves science, I was intrigued that this is how humanity has decided to dispose of cadavers. However, it seems like a good idea. During cremation, the body can get into the air (or on another body). During a typical burial, the body decomposes in a box that doesn’t decompose quickly. This can be an environmentally safe way to handle loved ones with burying a person without a casket.
Journal #15
Project 2 has gone pretty well for me. I think that I have a well written essay with good points throughout my final draft. The first draft I wrote, being only 500, had a lot of work that needed to be revived. On my second draft, I mostly added words rather than correcting my work. At this point I added a title and combined my second and third paragraph into one large paragraph since they had the same ideas in them. Draft three had both revisions and additions to the essay. This was after the peer review, so I had feedback from three different students on how to improve my work. I made corrections, such as introducing the person I would be discussing as well as explaining the favorite food essay more. I also added one paragraph, and the beginning of the next paragraph. Draft four is where I did a lot of my revisions. Since I had time in class to look through my work and have time where I was completely focused (when I’m in my room I can lose focus which causes me to jump around in my writing), I was able to do a lot of revision. I had added the rest of the last paragraph I worked on and then decided to reread my work, which was something I had not really done. When I did this, I realized that my introduction was really long and that some ideas seemed to not go together. I reorganized my introduction, which lead to me breaking off the last few sentences and making a whole new second introduction. Here is where I introduced the Favorite Meal Essays to the reader so they had some background before diving into the essays. In draft five, I added a work cited page as well as adding a conclusion. I thought that my last paragraph added ideas rather than wrap up my ideas. This lead me to add another paragraph to highlight what my main points were.
Journal 16
“What the Crow Knows” was an extremely interesting passage to read. The most intriguing fact was the idea of what Jains consider to be animal cruelty. For me, a lot of their beliefs seem to the extremes. Walking in a puddle is something that I would never consider to be a form of animal cruelty. From reading about their bird hospital, I did not think that they would be this extreme. However, on page 2 paragraph 3, there practices are definitely on the extreme side. The car travel was not that big of an extreme view to me, however the puddles threw me for a loop.
Through a decent amount of the essay, I thought about “Consider the Lobster”. When discussing if animals or insects, are conscious I thought that Wallace would have argued that lobster have a conscious. On the bottom of page 7, Andersen talks about fish and how they feel pain. In “Consider the Lobster”, Wallace’s main focus was on how lobster feel and react to pain. This article would have probably be intriguing to Wallace for his essay.
As the name suggest, crows were discussed. I knew that crows were smart, but some of the examples were truly interesting to me. I once read an article on how crows were introduced to a “bad” person. I believed they ruined the crow’s nest. The crows not only recognised the person’s face for the rest of their lives, but taught their offspring what the person looked like. So, when the person was seen by the offspring, they showed fear. Page 5 talks about a similar experience where they are able to recognise a face of a person that they had an experience with before.
Another part I found fascinating was the monks of Jainism. Page 9 states that they have to give up talking to their family. I cannot imagine leaving my family for a religion. The concept seems strange to me.
Journal #17
- Page 2, paragraph 3
I found this paragraph very interesting because it shows how someone is willing to completely change their lifestyle for a belief they have. This demonstrates an idea that Herzog has: Is it okay to keep animals as pets? Obviously the man, Jim, feels that it is not. Animals should be free to be free in the environment. However, the bird that he released mostly likely died within the first couple days of being released. Humans tend to act in ways to make us feel better, not necessarily the animal.
- Page 4, paragraph 5
This paragraph is fascinating because it talks about the issue of feeding cats that are going to be killed to snakes. Two million cats are killed by vets every day. However, feeding those to snakes seem to be an ethical issue to humans, especially animal rights activist. Herzog is confused by this, yet every part of him (and me) hate the idea of doing this. Kittens are adorable animals so we feel like putting them in a cage to be consumed by a snake is wrong. Another part of the argument is that they are going to be euthanized and cremated. Doesn’t it make more sense to give them to an animal that will be able to use the body instead of cremating them?
- Page 7, paragraph 3
This paragraph discusses the moral and ethical issues that Herzog is conflicted with since he has done his research. Humans feel comfortable eating certain meat, like beef, but the idea of eating dog meat is repulsive. Testing cosmetics on animals is seen as abusive, but many I know many people that would, “sacrifice a lot of mice to find a cure for cancer”. Humans have different relationships with different animals. Many animals that we find to be cute, like dogs or cats, we want to protect. However when it comes to animals such as snakes, humans tend to distance ourselves from them.
Journal 18
When rereading “Consider the Lobster”, there were certain parts of the text that I had not realized during the first reading of the text. While reading, I realized that at Wallace switched between scientific facts and emotional lobster facts often. When reading this for the first time, I understood that he was doing this, but I realize that is shows how people should feel versus how people tend to feel. Another part of the text that I found interesting was truly how shocking the death the lobsters death is. I remember reading it and thinking that the lobster must be in a lot of pain. When rereading the text, I was shocked again. The way that Wallace describes it sounds like a bad experience. The way lobster try to get out of the pot and bang around signals that there is a lot of pain.
Journal 19
I think as a whole, my thinking has changed since the semester began. During the first few weeks, I never really thought about animals and food too much. I had considered going vegetarian or vegan before because I didn’t want to “kill” an animal but I never really did. While I might not be a vegetarian or vegan, I find myself trying to eat less meat beef in particular. Even being an environmental science major, I try to limit this as well. In “Consider the Lobster”, I found myself distrubed by how the lobster acts and the idea of eating a lobster became completely off the table for me. Although my outlook has not changed too radically, there are definitely ways that I have changed. I think that being more aware of what I am doing (and eating) is one of the important ways I have changed this semester.
Per usual, I found this chapter very interesting in They Say, I Say. The first part that I found very interesting was the part where the author says, “most of us are upset at the idea of someone criticizing our work, such criticisms can actually work to our advantage” (78). I think that this is something many people can relate to. I know that I am not a great writer, so I am someone who greatly welcomes my essays being looked over and getting criticized. However, there are times when I thought an essay sounded really well written, only to be told that it is not as good as I thought it would be. This can be upsetting to me. In the big picture though, this can actually helped my writing a lot.
Another part I enjoyed was the cartoon. The first picture shows a person that is typing in their computer who is visibly upset. The person states that people are going to think that she misunderstood the point the writer was trying to make. I commonly feel this way when reading another person’s work. Therefore, the templates that the author provides will be very helpful, especially in the essay coming up this week. Since there are many different authors that will be in this essay, I will have points that I might not agree with. Having ways to introduce opposing views will be extremely helpful when dealing with multiple essays in the same project.
As the chapter title suggests, it discusses the importance of explaining who the person is. This can help explain why they are writing from the perspective they are. It can also help explain why you either agree or disagree with the point they are explaining. It gives the reader context of why you might be bringing their point up in an argument.
Journal #20
My process for Project 3
For the first 500 words of this project I feel like I have a good start. I wrote the introduction on Wallace’s essay and then stated my thesis. I think I need to have more of a flow, but for now it is good. I also met with Sinead at this point. I said that I wasn’t too sure what to write about next. I wanted to include Hal Herzog’s article along with the embalming article as well. Both were extremely interesting to me and I thought including them would make the paper sound interesting since I want to write about those papers. We talked about the articles and how the embalming article could add a unique perspective on how we treat our dead. We can to the conclusion that talking about how we view our traditional beliefs would be beneficial in this project. From that point, I wrote a plan on a scrap piece of paper. This way my ideas are already set instead of putting words on the computer and then rearranging them. After the meeting, I also wrote the second paragraph. For the second paragraph, I thought I should introduce Hal Herzog. Here I gave background on him as well as introducing “Animals Like Us”. I began to begin paragraph three which is going to bring up the conflicts we have with food and how we treat both animals we eat and animals that don’t have human features.
Compare to Other Processes in Projects 1 and 2
For the beginning steps, the process for all three of my papers have been the same. I typically start by writing an introduction. From this point I look at the thesis and see if it does two things:answer the question and gives me points to go off of. For this project, I needed the thesis to discuss traditions that go beyond food. I decided to compare traditions and logic. Another difference is how I am planning. Prior to this project, my planning process to just write down what each paragraph would be about. This time, I try to go into detail about what I’m discussing. Since I am working with three authors I need my ideas to flow clearly. This way, the reader doesn’t get confused about who I am talking about or what I discussing. Since the other projects dealt with only one to two authors, I want to make sure this essay is still makes sense. Project two was similar because I worked with more peers, but they talked about similar experiences. Here, the ideas are more broad.
Journal #21
Journal #22 A
https://bparks1.uneportfolio.org/wp-admin/post.php?post=36&action=edit
Journal #22
Since the revision on Wednesday, I have made some significant changes to the Reconsider the Lobster essay. On Thursday, I took another look at the comments that were made for homework and in class. In doing so, I was able to know how I needed to work on the essay as a whole. Friday night, I looked at the outline I made some changes to it. In the introduction, for example, I took out the quote and instead focused on the different ways lobsters have been viewed in the United States history. I also have started to add more personal views in my introduction to make the essay demonstrate my views, not take the ideas from other authors. In the peer views, I was told that my thesis was strong, however I felt it was slightly repetitive with the words “belief” and “logic” so I reworded it so the main idea was there, but the words were used less. I also make changes to how many times I used the word “person”. I tend to use the same words a lot and one of the comments I got was how many times I used the word. So I tried to change some sentences so I didn’t have to the word or use another word instead.
I also worked on my second paragraph, especially the topic sentence. In this paragraph, I jumped right into who Herzog was. I didn’t make a switch from Wallace or a connection. While I made the connection in the third paragraph, it was confusing why I was discussing at first. In the topic sentence, I explained that others feel like the treatment of animals is incorrect. I also tried to add a better sentence to the end of paragraph two. I felt like it didn’t make the transition to paragraph three the way I originally wanted it to. I added a sentence that made the transition smoother.
For body paragraph three, my main focus is to show the connections between Wallace and Herzog. While I felt as if I did that, my quotes are from Wallace, and the ideas from Herzog seem unclear. I went back and attempted to make the essay have a more cohesive connection.
